


Working Title: Beauty and the Beast

by Eligh



Category: Grimm (TV)
Genre: Crack, M/M, Screenplay/Script Format, Shattering of the Fourth Wall, WTF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-08
Updated: 2012-11-08
Packaged: 2017-11-18 06:25:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/557890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eligh/pseuds/Eligh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Retelling of Beauty and the Beast. Sort of. I feel like I should disavow all knowledge of this...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Working Title: Beauty and the Beast

**Author's Note:**

> Based off the 'beauty and the beast' prompt over on the Grimm kink meme, but for some reason feel like this wasn't what the Anon had in mind. Fuck, it wasn't what _I_ had in mind... 
> 
> I've never written something in a play format. So take from that what you will.

_SCENE: Stage lights down. A single spotlight is pointed at wings entrance, stage left. Upstage, the backdrop of buildings can barely be seen in the shadows. Cue violins._

NARRATOR: Once upon a time, in a far away land, a young prince lived in a shining castle. Although he had everything his heart desired, the prince was spoiled, selfish, and unkin—

_MONROE_ _enters into spotlight, stage left. He glares up at the ceiling, addresses the unseen narrator_.

MONROE: What the hell, lady? One, I’m not a prince, two, I’m not _spoiled,_ or _selfish_ …

NARRATOR: _(clears throat, talks over MONROE)_ …was spoiled, selfish, and unkind! But then one winter’s night, an old beggar woman came to the castle and offered him a single rose in return for—

MONROE: _(rolls eyes)_ Yea, yea, we get it. We all know the story. _(In falsetto, overly dramatic)_ The prince turned her away until she revealed she was really a beautiful sorceress, at which point he tried to take it back, but it was too late! She cursed him to remain forever a beast! At least until he learned to love and be loved in return! _(Swoons, then recovers and glares at the ceiling again)_ I told you, I’m **not** a beast. I’m a blutbad? If anyone’s a beast, that would be a wildermann…

NICK: _(stage whisper from offstage)_ Monroe, shut up, let her talk.

MONROE: _(peers into the wings)_ She is **insulting** me, Nick. She called me spoiled—

NICK: _(talking quickly)_ Just get **on** with it, you **are** spoiled, you drama queen—

MONROE: Fine, fine, fine… _(looks to the ceiling)_ Go on, I guess. I’ll play my part.

NARRATOR: _(sulkily)_ You’ve ruined it.

MONROE: Oh, whatever. _(stretches, wanders across stage, exits stage right)_ I told you, everyone knows the story. I’ll just get in costume.

NARRATOR: _(sighs, long-suffering)_ Once upon a time, there was a village in the French countryside… _(stage lights rise, reveal the town set. NICK enters, stage right. He is wearing a billowing blue medieval shirt and tight black breeches.)_

NICK: _(sings)_ Little town, it’s a quiet village, every day, like the one before. Little town, full of little people, waking up to say…

_(doors and windows open in the town)_

CHORUS: Bonjour!

NICK: _(opens mouth to continue song, pauses._ ) God, Monroe was right. This is ridiculous. _(to ceiling)_ No more musicals, I’m not singing. _(pulls script from pocket, flips a few pages. CHORUS looks on, disappointed, then wanders off.)_ You want me to sing about the spice shop? Half of this crap doesn’t even rhyme. _(flips more pages)_ Let’s fast forward to the part where Belle meets the Beast. _(leers)_ I like that part.

NARRATOR: You two are impossible.

NICK: _(waves his hand flippantly)_ Yea, yea. _(lights behind him go down, scenery changes, lights up again, revealing castle set._

_SCENE: Interior castle backdrop. Large table laden with food is upstage right. Fireplace with two armchairs upstage left. Door to outside centerstage left. NICK is outside door._

_Nick clutches his chest in mock-awe_ ) My, look at the size of it! Surely here I could find shelter for the night! _(inspects script)_ Wait. I thought there was a whole thing with my father being trapped or something? A bargain with the Beast? You kidnapped us into this play, why didn’t you grab my mom or something, too?

NARRATOR: _(evasive)_ She. Wouldn’t come.

NICK: _(grins)_ No, she wouldn’t have, would she?

NARRATOR: _(icily)_ Please continue.

_(NICK approaches the castle door, knocks. It swings open under his touch.)_ Hello? Anybody here? I’m hungry and it’s sorta cold and I’m just gonna come in now, okay? It’s cool, I’m a cop…

NARRATOR: You are not a police officer in this situation, you are—

NICK: Belle, yea, I get it. _(looks around)_ If only there was someone here to feed and clothe me…

_WU and HANK enter, stage right._

WU: Bone joor.

HANK: Seriously? It’s bonjour, Wu. Er, Cogsworth? Wait, am I Lumiere and he’s Cogsworth or is it the other way around? _(NICK giggles, wanders upstage to the large table filled with food)_

NARRATOR: _(sighs)_ Did **anyone** read the script? _(whines)_ You aren’t even in costume…

_NICK, WU, and HANK all shake their heads._

WU: Be our guest!

HANK: _(crosses to Nick, gesturing to food)_ Try the grey stuff, it’s delicious, don’t believe me, ask th—

WU: _(interrupts)_ He’s lying, it’s disgusting. And believe me, I know disgusting. I ate a couch cushion once.

HANK:  Fine, fine, whatever. Just eat and go, don’t let the Beast catch you.

NICK: Beast? Yea, not concerned. I’m supernatural, remember? _(feels on his shoulder, realizes he is missing something)_ Crap. Forgot my props. _(Darts offstage, returns with crossbow strapped to his back)_

NARRATOR: _(inaudible grumbling)_

MONROE: _(from offstage)_ Oh my god are you guys **done** already? I’ve got a casserole in the oven and this is taking all day.

NICK: Ooh, what are you cooking?

MONROE: _(offstage)_ There’s beans and cheese and this breadcrumb crust, man, you’ll love it. Old family recipe. Minus the less-than-legal meat source, of course.

HANK and WU: _(together)_ Can we come?

MONROE: Sure. Bring some wine, we’ll make a night of it.

NARRATOR: **Get on with it!**

NICK: _(grins)_ Sorry.

HANK: _(in stage whisper)_ He’s not sorry.

NICK: I’m not.

MONROE: _(from offstage)_ Okay, I’m coming now, let’s get this over with.

WU: That. Is what she said. _(HANK smacks him on the side of his head)_

_MONROE enters, stage right. He is wearing the same clothes from earlier._

NARRATOR: _(hissing)_ You said you were getting into costume.

MONROE: So sue me.

NICK: Seriously, am I the only one who got in costume? That’s not fair.

NARRATOR: _(desperate)_ **Thank you Nick** for being in costume, I appreci—

MONROE: _(bored)_ Who dares come into my castle. The gall. The pure, horrible dishonor or something. _(sees NICK, who is now cramming food into his mouth)_ Ooh, nevermind. You can breach my castle anytime.

_(NICK coughs)_

MONROE: Hey there, handsome.

NICK: _(grins)_ Hi, Monroe. _(crosses to MONROE, wraps fingers around collar of his sweater)_ You Beast, you.

WU: Ugh. Get a room, you two.

HANK: I think they’re cute.

WU: You would. _(HANK shrugs)_

MONROE: _(softly, ignoring HANK and WU)_ How’d you get in here? And why aren’t you scared of me? I’m a Beast, remember?

NICK: I’ve never really been scared of the big bad wolf…

MONROE: I’ll keep you here. You’re my prisoner or something… _(frowns, pulls script from his pocket)_ Wow, that’s really creepy. He’s supposed to fall in love with me after I trap him here and tell him he can never leave? Stockholm Syndrome, much?

NARRATOR: The **story** is about how love transforms the savage beast, how it overcomes all odds, how Belle is a strong, independent woman who teaches him how to love—

NICK and MONROE: _(together)_ We **know** the story.

MONROE: I’m being a smartass.

NICK: _(smiling fondly)_ Aren’t you always. _(then, to ceiling)_ What’s my reasoning for leaving here, again? I think I’ve already tamed my Beast. _(wraps his arms around MONROE, who rests his chin on NICK’S head)_

NARRATOR: If you’d just **read** the effing **script** — _(all on stage gasp)_

MONROE: **Language** , this is **Disney _._**

NARRATOR: You’d know that the evil Gaston wants to force Belle into marriage. He is holding Belle’s father hostage with the threat of imprisoning him in the asylum—

NICK: But my mom wouldn’t come to play the part. So… who is Gaston holding hostage?

NARRATOR: …Juliette?

NICK: Okay, okay, let’s fast forward to that scene.

_MONROE pulls a mirror from his back pocket and shows it to NICK._

MONROE: As much as I don’t want you to go, I feel obliged to show you that your **ex-fiancé** is being held captive. She probably needs some rescuing.

NICK: Fair enough. I’ll be back, okay? Cross my heart.

_ALL exit stage right, lights go down. Scene change to village. Lights up. JULIETTE and RENARD stand, center stage. They are holding hands._

NARRATOR: Oh for fuck’s sake.

_NICK enters stage right, double-takes at their hands._

NICK: This may be easier than I thought.

RENARD: Nick, I feel bad…

JULIETTE: We didn’t mean for this to happen.

NICK: No, it’s fine. I’ve got a Beast, now. _(to JULIETTE)_ I want you to be happy. I’m sorry it didn’t work between us, but you know. The world won’t end. _(to RENARD)_ Although swooping in on my ex kinda breaks the bro, code. Sir.

RENARD _(exasperated_.) I think in the play I’m supposed to be tricking you into marrying me…?

JULIETTE: I think that’s entirely unnecessary.

NICK: _(nods)_ Yea, I’m good. I’ll just head back to the castle and get my freaky Beast sex on.

NARRATOR: Everything is ruined forever.

_NICK exits stage right. RENARD and JULIETTE smile at one another, exit stage left, hands swinging. Lights down, change scene to interior castle backdrop. There is a bed upstage left._

_MONROE is standing centerstage, looking into the mirror. NICK enters stage right._

NICK: Honey, I’m home!

MONROE: So I didn’t see the Juliette and Renard thing happening. Lucky break, though.

_NICK crosses to him, grinning, grabs his hand and drags him toward the bed._

NARRATOR: Hey! Disney, remember?!

MONROE: Don’t think we didn’t hear you swear earlier. And you put a **bed** on set! You think we’re not going to use it, incorporeal narrator?

NARRATOR: That’s—you can’t—it’s for the scenery—

_NICK flings back covers, beginning to unbutton his shirt._

NICK: Ravish me, Beast.

MONROE: Oh hell yes.

_MONROE whips his sweater off over his head._

NARRATOR: Lights down. **Lights! Down!**

_Lights to black. The bed creaks once, twice. There is rustling, then panting._

MONROE: Just—hold on, let me—

NICK: **God** , just—

_The bed begins to creak steadily. This continues for some minutes. The panting grows harsher._

NICK: Oh, Monroe—harder—

_MONROE groans. The bed creaks faster. NICK cries out, blissful, and MONROE growls. The bed stops creaking. Panting slows down. Silence for some time._

NARRATOR: Please tell me you’re done.

MONROE: For now.

NICK: Give us an hour and we can try again.

NARRATOR: _(miserable)_ Lights up.

_MONROE and NICK are side by side in bed, shirtless. The sheet is pulled up past their waists. NICK is on his side, his arm wrapped around MONROE’S chest. MONROE is smoking a cigarette._

NARRATOR: You can’t **smoke** in here! Where did you even **get** cigarettes!

MONROE: Pretty sure you can’t stop me. And also pretty sure I just fu—

NICK: Hush.

MONROE: _(clears throat, then says to ceiling)_ You know. With Nick, **onstage**. Don’t pretend you didn’t watch, you voyeur.

NARRATOR: …And with Belle’s love, the spell was broken.

NICK: _(stage whisper)_ She didn’t deny it.

MONROE: I don’t really blame her. We’re pretty hot.

NICK: Damn straight.

NARRATOR: **And Beauty and the Beast** lived happily ever after in the castle and **god** , why did I think this was a good idea…

_(microphone feedback, sound of footsteps walking away)_

 MONROE: _(grins)_ This was fun. We should do it again sometime.

 


End file.
